2012 March 3
Oh look, another one of those letters I don’t know if you’ll ever see or read. I must be stupid because I trust you more than I should. You’ve been metaphorically AFK once again. I think you’re shutting me out. I don’t know if it’s permanent. I don’t know if you really are but nothing else makes sense. I only saw you a little over a week ago, I spent time with you and your parents - we had fun, didn’t we?
So where is my whore now? What’s going on inside that big head of yours? I wish there was way to let you know that I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. But maybe that’s the problem. I’m sorry I’m not closer, but I’m not sorry you love and miss me. That satisfies my selfish wants of hoping you won’t go away. You told me not to cry when we once again had to go our separate ways. But are you okay?
I’m hoping I’m right about this, that I’m not crazy and just having stupid faith for your benefit. I guess the idea of you being “sad” like this is hard for my brain because you’re always the tough guy, you’re always Batman. But it’s okay for Batman to be sad sometimes too, you know.
It’s kind of disappointing that this has to be one of those letter’s “you’re never supposed to read.” I think you might need this, and if I’m feeling really bold, I may just type this out and send it to you on facebook. I know you don’t need me but I’m here. When you love someone, you’re there for them, even if you know they don’t want to talk about or say a word about what’s wrong. And I won’t pretend like I’m not frustrated about this because I have been. What hapened the other night really got me. But after an hour or so, I chilled out and assessed the situation. You’re not crazy are you?
So, you wouldn’t just stop loving me, After accepting this fact, I looked back and did inventory on everything I know about you. (You’re not the only observant one), When I got to the stress department of Jared, everything seemed all too familiar.
Sure, it might be easier for my fucked up head to assume that maybe you’re trying to make me go away, but after everything, that wouldn’t make sense. So, I’m going out on a limb here and claiming that I know yo. I’m saying that you’re very stressed out, that you miss home, you miss everything you know, and that you miss me - and this is my attempt at understand. For our sake, for your sake. Please let me understand. Don’t leave your bitch hanging, or she might drive herself crazy too.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but apart of me feels like you should. What do I do?”
Well, what you do is that - you let him go. You let him be. If you’re dying to know. Jared is a force within himself - he’s going to do what he feels like doing and there’s not a lot you can do about it.
You stupid butt face.
I have the call to enlist. I want to be a translator. I watched my boyfriend’s Rite of Passage Ceremony on youtube (and I get to see him graduate in like 5 days!) but it didn’t help. I cried for pride and love that I have for Jared, but at the same time, hearing the cadences, seeing them there..I felt like I was supposed to be standing alogsidethem too- And that’s not the first time I’ve felt that way while witnessing an enlisted military function as that.
I think I need to stop ignoring it or running away from it. It’s time I do it.
Dear pagan gods, Military gods, and awkward romance/friendship gods,
please do not let the above man bail on me during this christmas break. I have been waiting PATIENTLY for him to show up at his sister’s house 2 hours from here, so I can hear from him and finally come to terms with whatever the hell he is supposed to be.
I am extremely excited that he is in the same state as me! Please…let this be an interesting experience, don’t take this chance from me.
I want to know what it’s like.