2012 March 3
Oh look, another one of those letters I don’t know if you’ll ever see or read. I must be stupid because I trust you more than I should. You’ve been metaphorically AFK once again. I think you’re shutting me out. I don’t know if it’s permanent. I don’t know if you really are but nothing else makes sense. I only saw you a little over a week ago, I spent time with you and your parents - we had fun, didn’t we?
So where is my whore now? What’s going on inside that big head of yours? I wish there was way to let you know that I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. But maybe that’s the problem. I’m sorry I’m not closer, but I’m not sorry you love and miss me. That satisfies my selfish wants of hoping you won’t go away. You told me not to cry when we once again had to go our separate ways. But are you okay?
I’m hoping I’m right about this, that I’m not crazy and just having stupid faith for your benefit. I guess the idea of you being “sad” like this is hard for my brain because you’re always the tough guy, you’re always Batman. But it’s okay for Batman to be sad sometimes too, you know.
It’s kind of disappointing that this has to be one of those letter’s “you’re never supposed to read.” I think you might need this, and if I’m feeling really bold, I may just type this out and send it to you on facebook. I know you don’t need me but I’m here. When you love someone, you’re there for them, even if you know they don’t want to talk about or say a word about what’s wrong. And I won’t pretend like I’m not frustrated about this because I have been. What hapened the other night really got me. But after an hour or so, I chilled out and assessed the situation. You’re not crazy are you?
So, you wouldn’t just stop loving me, After accepting this fact, I looked back and did inventory on everything I know about you. (You’re not the only observant one), When I got to the stress department of Jared, everything seemed all too familiar.
Sure, it might be easier for my fucked up head to assume that maybe you’re trying to make me go away, but after everything, that wouldn’t make sense. So, I’m going out on a limb here and claiming that I know yo. I’m saying that you’re very stressed out, that you miss home, you miss everything you know, and that you miss me - and this is my attempt at understand. For our sake, for your sake. Please let me understand. Don’t leave your bitch hanging, or she might drive herself crazy too.
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but apart of me feels like you should. What do I do?”
Well, what you do is that - you let him go. You let him be. If you’re dying to know. Jared is a force within himself - he’s going to do what he feels like doing and there’s not a lot you can do about it.
“All these bitches do is whine on their facebook statuses about how much they miss their boyfriends/fiancees at bootcamp. And then I’m over here - I miss you, but…it doesn’t bother me. It’s just become second nature to feel this feeling after everything I’ve been through. And what I’ve been through with you.
I’ve always heard two different stories. One being that two beings that can do without eachother are strong. But then there’s the one other that states if you can live without them, then they’re not worth living for, or whatever. But that’s just two perspectives. Both are right just as much as they are wrong all at the same time. I don’t know where you’ll end up. It could be in the middle east. Or perhaps South Korea. Or, maybe just here. But surprisingly, I don’t worry. Because I don’t know where I’m going either.
Oh, I could call out a pre-determined destination. But who’s to say I’ll ever get there? all we do is traverse on detours that lead us to interesting places - some people accept it, others rue the day. As of late, all my detours seem to involve your stupid self.
So I guess what I’m getting at is that - as long as I keep taking detours with you, then what’s the use in worrying about my final destination? Either way, I’m going somewhere and apparently life things you’re a good route. (barf)
Okay, no more lame analogies. I felt like I was going somewhere good with that but I lost it in making sense of it all. We’re so strange and magically, things have been going on this long…but…I’m still scared of losing you. I’m scared I’ll do something or write something that will bring a grimace to your face.
So I guess I’m a paradox. I worry while not worrying. And I think you understand me even if you pretend to not listen - I know you really are. Because you seem to remember the strangest, most obscure things about me. You’re like a puzzle, complete with code words, hidden meanings and interesting secrets. And what I love most about you (yeah. I said it.) is that you don’t live on needing to tell your secrets, or thoughts to anyone. You’ve never lived to talk to someone or be surrounded by people on a constant basis. It’s like you’re so comfortable with yourself what you may or may not continue to become that when you choose to have someone around, when you choose to confide a secret - it’s out of want and not need. And I suspect, that like I, you get bored and choose to have people around because it’s fun to conversate, it’s entertaining to watch people and learn how they are. Because let’s face it — we’re not lonely, we like ourselves too much sometimes to even share. But when we do..it’s because we get sick of just ourselves and we find a want to get lost in someone else. But that’s just a theory.
You bring a smile to my face, the thought of you. You cause me to think, to want to understand and sadly, I must confess, challenges in my life seem to be something I can’t live without because they frequent my life so often.
Being given everything would be too easy. I remember the first night we talked. On the phone. You didn’t talk to me because you need too or felt alone - I peaked an interest. I’m personally not sure how - but I did. And then by the end of the night, we were finishing eachother’s thoughts.
You live for yourself. You’re Jared. Independent, self-contained, observant. And for probably the first time in the past 7 years: A guy has me around because I am a compliment to his life and not because he needs me to understand - for he lacks understanding of himself.
You already understand yourself, and if I end up understanding you? Well. That’s just a plus, isn’t it?
And for that, you are truly amazing. The word seems too dressy to use, and I figure if you’re reading this that you feel silly doing so, and for that I apologize. I didn’t intend to go on.
You’re you. You’re frustrating. Childlike. Sarcastic, witty and honest. You’re the type of frustrating that makes me laugh. That makes me just want to
kiss punch kiss you and then push you out of my sight. And you’re going into a career that may be considered risky at best —
but. I really and truly would not have you any other way.
You are what you are and don’t let anyone ever step on that. Or, I’d be crushed too.
I won’t tell you that I need you — because I don’t need anyone.
But I will tell you that I want you. That having you in my life makes everything much more interesting. Much more complicated - but that much more lovely.
And that is something everyone should not do without. Thank you for being the lovely compliment you are.”
Does this mean I love him?
Oh and in regards to love?
Let me write in response to you as if I writing back to anyone. Don’t dismiss anything I say, because everything I write feels important for you in this moment.